Catharine For my brothers, especially:
This is a PSA that you do not have to be perfect.
You do not have to have it all together.
You do not have to be strong.
You don’t have to always know what to do.
It’s ok to fail.
You do not have to have the perfect home.
You do not have to have the perfect family.
You do not have to get married, or have children.
You do not have to be successful.
You do not have to make a lot of money.
If you’re married, it’s ok to not make enough money for your spouse to be a stay at home parent.
It’s ok to have debt.
It’s ok to be unemployed, and to collect unemployment insurance.
It’s ok to be disabled, and to collect disability insurance.
It’s ok to be weak.
It’s ok to be scared.
It’s ok to struggle sexually.
It’s ok to feel all of your emotions, including the ones that others might tease you for.
It’s ok to cry.
It’s ok to feel angry.
It’s ok to not know what you want to be when you grow up, when you’re already grown up.
It’s ok to have depression, or alcoholism, or any drug addiction. There is help available, and it’s not the end, and it’s not your fault.
It’s ok to feel broken under the pressure of being a man.
It’s ok.
.
In addition, it’s also ok to be you, whoever you are.
It’s ok to like stereotypically masculine things.
It’s ok to like stereotypically feminine things.
It’s ok to like hunting, and it’s ok to like baking.
It’s ok to like rustic leather, and it’s ok to like glitter.
It’s ok to play dress up, no matter how old you are, with whatever clothes you want.
It’s ok to dance.
It’s ok to like shopping, or going to the mall.
It’s ok to wear makeup, get a pedicure, get a facial.
It’s ok to be searching.
Toxic masculinity and perfectionism affect men, especially men in the church. The pressure to look “strong” at all times, to always know what to do, to hide negative emotions and the feelings of weakness one may have. To avoid stereotypically feminine things because of shaming socialization that those things “aren’t for men”. To always have a job, and to provide. The pressure of leadership, especially in churches where men bear that load, and the pressure to be the head of a wife, and of a family (if that describes you) is real.
I’ve talked to so many men close to me who have described incredible suffering right now. Not everyone feels like it’s “safe” or ok to talk about the unmet needs of men.
I’m sure I’m only scratching the surface.
Men, what are the pressures you feel?
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39 (ESV)
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Disclaimer: I’m not saying the things in the header, or the things listed actually are “perfect,” but rather that they are a reflection of the cultural pressures I’m describing.
Very good blog post. I certainly appreciate this website. Thanks!