You Do Not Have to Be Perfect

For my sisters, especially:

This is a PSA that you do not have to be perfect.

You do not have to have it all together.

You do not have to have a perfect home.

You do not have to have a perfect family.

You can have a messy house.

You do not have to have kids.

If you have kids, they do not have to respect you 100% of the time.

If you are married, you do not have to get along with your spouse 100% of the time, and have every Friday as date night, and have sex 3 times a week.

You do not have to have perfect hair.

It’s ok not to shave your legs, or paint your nails, or wear makeup.

It’s ok to eat out, to go to McDonalds, to drink alcohol.

It’s ok to not make your bed in the morning.

It’s ok to not always be on time for church, and to have times when you don’t go to church.

It’s ok to have sick days.

It’s ok to see the doctor, or to not see the doctor.

It’s ok to go to Thanksgiving, or to not go to Thanksgiving.

You don’t have to make a Christmas card with an idealistic family portrait.

You don’t have to cook everything from scratch.

You don’t have to buy organic everything, fair trade everything, or make handmade gifts.

You don’t have to have a perfect financial plan for the rest of your life.

If you have kids, they don’t have to get perfect grades.

They don’t have to be involved in a million extra curricular activities.

They do not have to have zero screen time.

It’s ok.

Toxic positivity and perfectionism seem to be having their hayday in the culture of many churches.

I know for many Christian women, we look to Proverbs 31 for some of our ideas about who we are supposed to aim to be, especially if we are also wives. Here is the beginning of the section (I like the NIV):

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.
Proverbs 31:10-15 NIV

Did you catch that last part? The Proverbs 31 wife had servants!

She was working hard, and she had help! Proverbs was also written at a time when communal living was common, and people had far fewer possessions and space to take care of.

So much of what we pressure ourselves to do isn’t even something God asks of us. Looking perfectly put together at all times? Not on the list. Pinterest-worthy home? Nope.

I honestly think women, especially in countries with Westernized culture, are in a catch-22.

The “Cult of Domesticity” brought a spiritual dimension to homemaking that provides a continuous guilt-trip

The “Cult of Domesticity” (from the Victorian era) brought a spiritual dimension to the home that is still embraced within church culture- that the home is a haven away from all the perils of the world, and that women are the keeper of that place of holiness (and are themselves to be exceptionally “pure” and pious). This idea of a spiritual dimension to what is often a perfectionistic pursuit has created a continuous guilt-trip for many.

1950s perfectionism still influences us

In the 1950s, for white affluent Americans especially, there was this cultural boom that especially affected people who are currently in their 50s-70s. They were kids then; they are my parents, and the parents of many women my age (I’m 35).

That 1950s bubble included the idea that homes could- and should – be perfectly clean. That women- who at that time, tended to be homemakers- could actually keep a “perfect” home. Technological advances like an electrical washer and dryer made it seem possible. Plastic surfaces started to cover things, and manufactured food was bleached or colored to look “perfect.” Women worked themselves to the bone chasing this ideal, and endured psychological “treatments” if their attitude about it wasn’t right (I once saw a photo of a woman with a physical smile pasted to her face, being made to look in a mirror). The phrase “cleanliness is next to godliness,” is not true, but people acted like it was.

Many of us raised by moms from that time period were taught not only that it’s possible to have “perfectly” clean homes, but that we “should” be that way. That, when Daddy comes home from work, there’s this little dance of dinner being ready, the children dressed nicely, etc.

Lay that burden down

So we’re taught that

1) perfection is possible, and it is the goal

2) the home is supposed to be a “pure,” spiritual haven in pursuit of that perfection (which gives us a nice guilt trip for anything that falls short) and

3) we, as women, are responsible for creating it.

Due to the proliferation of cheaply manufactured products in the last 50 years, we suddenly have much more stuff to take care of. Stuff falls apart faster, too.

Many women attempt to balance everything their grandmothers did, with careers on top. Homes have only gotten bigger.

Many of our husbands were raised by dads who were not taught how to take care of the home, because it was considered “womens’ work.” Some men are still taught that learned helplessness in churches today.

Now we’ve added on the layer of social media, and the need to perform is not only on holidays, but every time we take a picture! And every time we go to church!

Lay that burden down. It’s not yours.

Walk in faith, hope, and love. Care for whom you’ve been entrusted with. Everything else is recreational.

Disclaimer: I know the image in the header is heteronormative, with children, etc. It’s a reflection of the culture I’m describing, not me personally saying that that family is “perfect”.

Also, though some legalistically point to Jesus saying in Matthew 5:48 (NIV), “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect,” he says it in the context talking about loving not only our friends, but also our enemies, the way that God loves everyone. He’s not talking about keeping up appearances.