Catharine I have never known a more polarized time.
Many of us spend a great deal of time on social media. The algorithms show us the content that elicits the strongest emotional reaction from us- the ones we can’t just “keep scrolling” and pass by. The ones that tug at our hearts the most, and the ones that get us the most angry.
So people are mad about real things, and many of us spend much of our time looking at posts in which people are mad, which then helps form our perception of reality. The more we read about things that other people are mad about, and that we ourselves are mad about, the more of a “warzone” the world seems to be.
Some people are told directly by their news sources, and even their pulpits, that there is a “war” being waged, and that the stakes are as high as they can get. This doesn’t exactly make people eager to listen to those who view things differently. Even outside of social media, news sources online competing for clicks often choose the most emotion-wrenching titles for articles. Polite, kind, gentle discourse loses the competition.
Our recent political leadership has normalized name calling and bullying, and certain television networks and news sources have emboldened people in that way as well. The real urgency people feel about many of the social issues being talked about- racism, sexism, etc.- also makes it difficult to entertain differing views as even worthy of the respect of being listened to.
Sometimes, the barrier to communication is the unwillingness of one person to have the conversation at all. If someone believes there is only one right way to view things, they may not be interested in a conversation with the goal of mutual understanding.
Sometimes, families and individuals have old traditions of unhealthy communication that don’t have anything to do with our political climate, but perhaps have been exacerbated by it.
You can only control yourself. So what can you do?
Here are some tips for how to negotiate relationships with friends and family who you disagree with politically.
1. Identify your goal
Do you want to be able to talk about politics with someone you feel distant from? Do you want to really know and understand each other? Then talking through your beliefs and feelings may be necessary.
However, if your goal is to only connect over other things, you can still spend time together doing other things you both enjoy. Play a game of cards, cook together. Talk about non-political things.
2. Ask if the other person would like to talk
Ask if the other person would like to talk about political issues with you or not. Explain that you’d like to be able to understand where they’re coming from, and also that you’d like to share where you’re coming from, from a place of mutual respect.
If they don’t want to, don’t do it.
3. Agree on ground rules
If they do agree to talk with you, try to agree on some ground rules first, such as this list, and possibly also a time limit.
4. If possible, identify a commonly trusted information source.
If you can find a neutral information source that you’re both willing to look to, it will be a huge positive. If you aren’t able to agree on an information source you can both trust, then empathy, rather than persuasion, may need to be the main goal.
Empathy is a worthy goal. Feeling seen for who you are is an important gift you can give someone else, and is especially meaningful to someone you love.
However, most people would ultimately enjoy persuasion- and to actually find things they agree about with the other person, or to be convinced by data to have changed opinions.
Here is a media bias chart by Ad Fontes Media that may be helpful in finding common ground.
5. Try not to let “fight or flight” mode keep you from listening
Try not to let “fight or flight” mode keep you from listening. The primary goal is to understand each other, not to “win.” Don’t run away, and don’t attack. If you need to take a break to calm down, do that.
Even if you ultimately hope to persuade the other person, no one will be persuaded if they do not first feel understood and respected.
6. Stay on topic
We all have the tendency to go off on tangents that may or may not relate to the original topic. Decide that all people involved have the right to reorient the conversation back to its starting place if it starts to veer off-course.
7. Don’t label
Don’t label. “Democrats are idiots” or “Trump is racist” would be some examples.
8. Don’t make extreme “always” or “never” statements
Don’t make extreme “always” or “never statements, such as “Men are always trying to control women.” It’s unhelpful to say these things, since technically they are rarely perfectly true, and are likely to derail the conversation.
9. Talk about your beliefs and feelings using statements that start with the word “I,” rather than “you”
Talk about yourself, using I-statements, rather than you-statements “I feel it’s important to acknowledge the contributions of all immigrants” is better than “You’re racist if you support ICE” (a you-statement).
10. Choose your channels of communication wisely
Choose your channels of communication wisely. Arguing with people on Facebook is unlikely to go well (though it’s technically possible). Instant messaging/texting allows for misunderstandings in tone. In-person communication allows people to think a little bit more before responding, as does written email/handwriting. If one method isn’t working for you, consider not engaging in it.
11. Accept that you may not change anyone else
Accept that you may not change anyone else. Persuasion is an incredibly difficult thing. If, however, we’re able to listen to each other and understand each other, we’ll all be a whole lot happier.
Might you still run into roadblocks? Yes. Religion and news sources are two of the biggest roadblocks people will face. If fact sources are not shared, or if a religious belief or interpretation will be cited as an unquestionable fact, it can create problems.
Emotional communication and empathy don’t require agreeing about facts, but true persuasion will. If you eventually would like to seek a common understanding, a common understanding of fact will be necessary.
12. Guard your heart
Guard your heart. Try not to get into the mud too often, especially on social media, with people you know and love in real life.
Relationships are more important than being right. Relationships are more important than winning an argument.
If other people are not treating you with respect, don’t continue with the interaction. Set up boundaries in your life that protect you, and be willing to get creative to find ways to connect with people safely.
I wish I could say that this magic wand of an article will make all of your tension with family and friends disappear. But it at least is a starting place. People who refuse to speak about things will never resolve the things they don’t speak about.
Taking a position of humility, and trying to understand the other person first, can often set things off on the right track.
Remember the meaning of love. It does not matter who is right about politics, if we lose sight of what is most important.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV
Accepting that relationships can continue, without the emotional intimacy you wish you had, is a sad conclusion, but a real one. The timing might not be right for some conversations to take place. The other person may not be ready. Depending on the strength of their emotions, they may be unable to get out “fight or flight” mode.
If you can protect and tend to your own heart, you’ll be ready to engage with them when they’re ready to.
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Love this so much, and very timely for me to read!
Thank you Sarah! 🙂 I’m glad if it’s relevant to you.