(This is part of a series. See Disclaimer).
The Bible was written at a time when people, in general did not have nearly as much power as people in the US have today. I’m not an expert on the specifics of that, but I do know there has never been a time in history where people have as much power, both in the sense of democracy, the sense of (in general) wealth, and in the sense of technological capabilities.
Anyway. There are a couple of Bible verses that come to mind about waiting. The main one is
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14 NIV
There is also
To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.Proverbs 16:1 NIV
and
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
There’s nothing wrong with waiting on the Lord. There’s especially nothing wrong with waiting, when there is nothing left to do but wait.
That is the thing. When there is nothing left to do but wait, waiting is what we have to do. When a family member is in surgery, what can the rest of the family do, but wait (and pray, etc.)? Waiting for Jesus’ return is like this, too. Waiting… on the things people truly and literally have no control regarding.
Romance
Rapunzel (fictionally) in her tower was waiting to be rescued. Sleeping Beauty waited to be awoken from the spell that put her to sleep. Snow White also seemed to find herself in a passive, near-death state, similarly awaiting a kiss.
Jane Austen’s characters show that there is not nothing to the idea that, at least at her time, women did have to, at some level, wait for a suitor. Obviously it wasn’t totally passive, but there was a certain level of “waiting and hoping and praying… you will be his” (this song.)
Anyway this idea has been romanticized for a long time but it also had real elements to it, for a long time, but it doesn’t have to anymore, at least in my country/culture. It doesn’t have to.
Peoples’ beliefs about God calling people to divided gender roles (for hetero men and women), in which men lead, and women follow, fits quite nicely with these cultural ideas about women sitting around and passively waiting to be swept off their feet.
It’s fun, too, to play the game, as long as you are winning the game. That is the thing. It is a fun game to play, as a woman, if you are getting pursued by men. If you’re getting asked out, then it’s very fun (I would imagine) to simply just… exist, absorbing none of the risk of having to ask someone out, and just ….
✨ ✨ ✨
I was raised to wait, in this regard, and I think it hurt me immeasurably.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Ephesians 5:22-23 NIV
I (and others I was influenced by) extended this idea to include- women should submit… passively… at all times including when one is single, by not taking leadership at all, ever. Combined with Victorian Puritan ideas about women being asexual and “pure”… there wasn’t much to do other than exist as a sexless female hidden body.
I read lots of Christian books targeted to young people that seemed to even place responsibility on me, as an unmarried young woman, for making decisions now that would influence any future marriage I would have; that I needed to start things off on the right foot, by being utterly holy, sexless, and passive, now, because these were the things that would make me the best wife.
(!!!!)
I was a bit of a weird kid- I was confident, quirky, shining brightly and sometimes awkwardly so (sometimes I think nothing has changed… le sigh). Anyway I just was a happy kid. I internalized the idea that showing my joy would somehow lead people to Jesus ( 🙄) and… well. I didn’t hold back. I basically quietly glowed, at all times, while being an overachiever. My brain was awake and ready.
I feel so weird writing this and I’m not sure where I’m going with it. Where am I going with it?
I was socially awkward, yes, because if people started swearing, I’d kind of smilingly inch my way out of the conversation, and definitely if there were crude topics. I thought that this was what I was supposed to do, as a Christian.
I tried so hard to be inclusive of everyone, that at the Christian club in my high school (the one place you’d think I could fit in), I, quite literally, sat in between the two tables of people, because there was one person sitting alone at one table, with everyone else at the other table, and I didn’t want anyone to be left out, but also that singular person was a boy, so I didn’t want to be intentionally alone with him because it might give him the wrong idea. He was a boy from my church, so I knew him a little, and I’d invited him to the club. He’d spent the first few weeks too anxious to come inside, just standing outside the door, and I got him to come inside. I (platonically) cared about him. So I sat, directly in the middle of the room. I talked to him, while not exactly sitting with him, and watched the other table laugh.
If I followed every single rule- not being near or seeming to participate in “sin,” not leaving anyone out, this left me by myself. I could blame-shift and say… why didn’t the group include my friend? But that also wouldn’t have respected his desire to have distance from everyone; he barely made it into the room. I could blame-shift and say… why didn’t others reach out to me? But it was my responsibility to connect with them. I could judge myself for not sitting with the boy from my church, but given social norms, I think that could have seemed to convey an inaccurate message. If I followed everything my conscience led me to, I was alone. It seemed impossible to both follow my conscience, and be with other people.
So I was close friends with almost no one. I have a couple friends from high school, but the memories of our friend groups are so painful. I never had a group of friends. It was always… here is a group of people, and these two people are nice to me, so they’re my friends, but everyone else excludes me and is mean to me.
I have a keen memory of people- one of whom my family took along to church for a while, who also once invited me to a slumber party- making the “f you” hand symbol at me from Friends (fist bumping) and laughing with each other as I walked past, and I just looked bewildered, because I didn’t know what it meant, because I didn’t watch TV other than Star Trek via our antenna.
Anyway. I expected betrayal. Add these social issues (me excluding myself from anything that didn’t fit the values I had) (me excluding myself even within the Christian group, to not exclude anyone, myself), to things like… I didn’t shave my legs in high school, and basically didn’t wear makeup, and wore long 1950s skirts or large mens’ shirts, due to ideas I had from church about modesty…
it’s really no wonder that I was pretty darned alone.
There was one boy I thought might like me. I don’t know. He literally followed me everywhere. Everywhere. He just followed me. He was over 6 feet tall. He’d just follow me and stand there. He’d follow me to my locker and stand there. He’d follow me to the bathroom and stand there, and wait for me to come out. He walked slowly, and never spoke. He may have had some neurological differences. I smiled at him and pretended to always be happy to see him at whatever surprising moment he happened to be standing there silently, yes, again, outside of the bathroom when I left.. and hurried past. That was the extent of our interactions.
I’m not saying no one ever expressed interest. A boy asked me to a dance; that was sweet of him. I didn’t have feelings for him so I didn’t agree. (I also had a hard time having conversation with him, due to some special needs he had). Someone else in middle school with special needs asked me out after I’d talked to him for one conversation. I felt like I might have been the only student who’d ever talked to him. He didn’t really understand what I said, I don’t think. I just kept smiling at him until my mom picked me up.
I think the only other time someone asked me out in middle school, I didn’t realize it was happening. I was a dunce. I was so dumb. Every single day in Algebra class, he went to the bathroom, picked a flower from a bush on the way back, and gave it to me. One day after Algebra told me he broke up with his girlfriend, and asked if I wanted to go out with him, and I laughed out of nervousness,but also because I was so prepared for it to be a joke against me. This was an unheard of idea- it could not be real. I was so prepared for it to be something he was pretending, or something others had put him up to fakely do. After I laughed, he said he was just joking. Was he?
I didn’t really have feelings for him, but I realized years later that I had probably hurt him, because he followed up later in high school, asking me what my favorite flowers there were. I still feel bad about it.
Anyway so I’m not saying no one ever expressed interest. But I think I’ve listed just about everything that happened until I graduated high school.
Me.. on the other hand. While waiting:
Managed to take a photo of the boy I had a crush on in middle school band. He played the clarinet. How did I take the photo?
By getting down on my hands and knees, under the xylophone that I played, and finding the perfect angle through all of the chairs… all of them are out of focus, except for him (I still have this photo).
(LOL)
This was an interesting strategy. It didn’t lead to anything other than plausible evidence of me being a stalker at the age of 12 but. That’s it. Yes it’s a fun photo and yes I still have it.
Additionally, I tried these strategies:
Staring At Blonde Dude
There was a blonde dude who ate lunch near the cafeteria. We never spoke. We made eye contact one time, I think. I was 40 feet away, staring at him then looking away if he looked at me. I think the goal was, get his attention then get him to look at me while I was also not looking at him, so there would be a dramatic moment and he’d know, and I’d know, and then we’d both know???
This strategy didn’t go very well.
There was also the
Follow Him Into The Library Strategy
This one went like this: memorize his route and follow him while also making it look like an accident.
I’d sit in the middle school library a few tables away, and pretend to be taking notes in my notebook, and draw his hair. If he looked my way I’d pretend to occupied, perhaps looking at books or the Cosmopolitan magazine I learned much of my early sex ed from.
I’d imagine that one day he’d realize that we had so much in common- look- I was always at the library the same time he was. This strategy didn’t work.
Verbal Contact Strategy
Ok so I actually did… verbally… say something once. It took every nerve in my body.
On the eve of Y2K (Dec. 31, 1999)? I called the boy who I’d lived around the corner from since age 3, who I’d liked since I was 6 years old (and I was now a freshman in high school), and told him I loved him, just in case the world ended (people thought the world might end at Y2K). I figured… this was as good of an excuse as ever. I asked him how he felt about me, and he said he didn’t know, so I proceeded to hold onto hope…
which sadly led to the
Walk Past Him Every Day and Smile Awkwardly Strategy
Self-explanatory.
Anyway this is all very painful to admit.
Basically… passivity didn’t work, and the one time I was, somewhat awkwardly, forward, also didn’t work, so I assumed there must be something wrong with me.
And, admittedly, there was. I removed myself from social situations. I actively left people. I chose not to fit into social norms in how I groomed and dressed, because I thought that it was godly not to. And in the group I’d have had common culture with, even there, I isolated myself.
It wasn’t because there was nothing about me that was desirable, though, and I thought that this was the judgment- that there was nothing desirable about me.
In retrospect.. I had a sample size N of 1. Uno- of boys who I had liked, who I had expressed interest in. And I let this, along with my other experiences, to lead me to believe not only that I was not desireable, but that it had been wrong for me to be forward. That I needed to be even less outgoing than I already was!! That I needed to passively wait, harder. So rather than learning the skills I needed to learn- how to talk to people, I withdrew harder, thinking that this was me waiting on God- thinking that this was holiness- thinking that this was the way.
So I did the exact opposite of what I needed to do: take responsibility for what I was doing that wasn’t helping (I could have chosen to fit into social norms- shave my legs, wear makeup, and dress like other people; I could have chosen to stop judging people for not talking in ways that mirrored my church and stopped leaving those conversations. I could have asked to push the tables together in that Christian club- the other one was packed, and simply made more room). Anyway I could have made different decisions. I would have had a different life, and much higher self-esteem, entering adulthood, than I did.
Instead of any of those things, I thought I needed to wait on God harder, and make myself even more obedient to God than I was. So I actually did all of those previous things even harder. That I would be rewarded by God with love, maybe, if I did. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Men didn’t always help with these ideas. In college, when I was occasionally forward or an initiator, I had (again, one person) negative feedback, being told by someone that I’d “ruined” it, when I flirted with him- directly following him telling me that he reciprocated feelings for me. I teased that I had a crush on him, while we played a card game. Apparently this was a vibe-killer. Men who expect to be the pursuer might be upset by a woman who initiates or is forward. Good or bad, it’s true.
In retrospect, as I think back on high school, what do I think? That I was a bit of a nerd, yes, but that there was nothing… obviously physically wrong with me that would mean that no one would have ever responded positively if I’d approached him. Sure, I was a nerd, but there were plenty of other nerds. That is the thing.
And so I ended up thinking there was something wrong with me, and I’d ruined things with the one boy I’d really loved.
When really.. my church taught me to do socially unacceptable things (not fitting in physically), I was tall for a girl (5’ 9 ¾” as a freshman), removing myself from non-Christian sounding conversations, while also not joining in with most of the “Christian” ones, and I was PASSIVE. I… waited! Did nothing. Well. Actaully I did do things but I think most of them would be considered net-negatives. What are you supposed to do when you aren’t supposed to do anything?? What are you supposed to do when you aren’t supposed to do anything??
Not flirt, because that’s slutty. So… what?!?! Stare??! You’re left with no options that are normal.
There was another boy I liked in high school, in our Christian group, who I simply was Very Friendly to. I held his hand at See You At The Pole. I felt very religious that day. Heck. Why didn’t we pray more around the school flag? I could have gotten on board with more of those…
Was I weird and a bit intense? Yes. But would I have most likely found someone similarly weird and intense? There were 2000 people at my high school so I’m guessing.. probably.
Anyway. I would not have needed to be quite so weird and intense if I’d felt it was morally acceptable to not be those things!!!
Dating had to be marriage-oriented!!
I had to be un-worldly!!
I needed to be weird and intense, for my religion, but it wasn’t who I was. I mean.
Ok that might be a bit arguable. There might be case that i’m weird and intense.
but I didn’t have to be this weird and intense!!!!!!
Thank you for reading this.
😳
I know women who tell me, much older than high school, that their life is basically like high school me- waiting and hoping and… waiting. Concluding something is wrong with them. The facts of the matter are that in traditional circles, only 50% of the population is carrying the initiatory burden for 100% of it. Plus, a lot of men aren’t wanting to initiate, or might be gay, ace, not seeking anyone, etc. So it’s less than 50% of the population that is carrying the initiatory burden.
And for women who are limited in their circle to a Christian one that might be small to begin with, the stars not aligning seems to be the most likely scenario.
It hurts women to teach them to passively wait, and I think it hurts men for women to be taught to passively wait, too. I’m sure there are many single men who were at one time pined after by someone who felt she had to simply wait.
Are there some men that won’t respond well to a woman initiating? Probably. I would caution that that kind of person might be so divided in his gender beliefs it would be a risk for someone to be with him, because even if her values are the same at first, they might change, and then there could be conflict.
Anyway.
My point is that… personally, if I could go back in time, I would have tried to do the following steps in addition to intentionally smiling, from a distance, and also photographing through the legs of chairs (I jest):
1) Initiating verbal contact. Words. Saying hello, attempting conversation.
2) Repeating step one. The goal would be to have multiple conversations before landing at anything vaguely resembling “I like you.” (I didn’t know this step… like. It never occurred to me I could try to befriend someone I liked!!!) (!!!!!!)
(!!!!) as in more than saying “Hi how are you?” “I’m good, thanks” etc.
3) Inviting to a group activity/ seeing if they want to see a movie/etc
Men who’ve done this know that you’ll hear “no thank you” a lot. You might even get some rude responses, like the one I gave when I laughed, sure that it had to be a joke (because no one would ask me out! Age 13.)
You have to be prepared to hear “no” a lot, and it won’t mean something is wrong with you.
Same thing goes for men, while I’m at it. No one has a batting average of 100%. It doesn’t mean failure for anyone to be rejected. It just means those stars didn’t align.
And we’ve got to get sample sizes higher than… you know. 1 or 2. And get better at the steps before the question.
My passive, awkward, and perhaps even creepy strategies didn’t exactly end up being the best!
Anyway the point I’m trying to make here is.. if you’re wanting a partner, don’t wait.
Don’t wait!
Sleeping Beauty, wake thyself up.
Or at the very least, find some middle ground in terms of actively pursuing the first two parts of the list. Identify target, get to know them, keep asking questions.
Or wait, knowing you are actively contributing to the likelihood that you will continue to only wait.
:/
I didn’t know how the “holy” things I was doing were actively hurting me. And they were actively, actively, actively hurting me.
How did I meet my husband? How did that all happen? It’s a story. But let me just say that me entering adulthood in the state I was in wasn’t good for me- specifically, regarding relationships with men, because I had very low expectations and felt desperate for any attention I received. I felt very disempowered. I felt like I had something wrong with me. I had low self esteem because of the life experiences I’d had that taught me to have low self esteem, while shifting blame for what I experienced onto needing to obey God harder. It was the only power I could find, or have hope of finding. It was the only option that came to mind. Pray more. Make myself more holy, more “different” from everyone else than I already was.
I thought that any efforts to try to be more attractive would be vain, self-centered, worldly. That any effort to be forward was “taking the role away from men that is theirs.” I thought that flirting was being a “slut.” I thought that I had to be an asexual princess in a tower, essentially, and hope that someone would find me, while I silently judged people who acted like they didn’t go to my church.
😭
The Bible verses and teachings I relied on, and the way that I applied them, along with the influence of church and family, actively harmed me. They kept me from taking responsibility for what I could have controlled– but I thought most of those things would be sinful- and then influenced me towards doing the same unhelpful things, even more.
(I’m going to make a Part 2 about Life Decisions.)
