There is a heaviness over me, right now. It’s situational and warranted.
I’ve been going through old photos and it’s exquisitely painful to me for a bunch of reasons at once. I see how quickly my kids are growing. I see how recently my life was different than it is now, and think of what has been lost. More centrally, though, I see myself and what I’ve survived. As I have lived, I’ve splintered while going through various traumas, to survive them, and now I look back and see the whole person who really was there the whole time, who just had to compartmentalize to survive. I am so angry.
I feel like I’m finally integrating in a new way. Like I’ve done that before, too, but that now is different. I think it has to do with getting closer to 40, which for me represents possibly the beginning of a season in which I may just not give a shit. I’m simultaneously loving my body more honestly than ever as I see its scars for what it’s done (creating two children), and also releasing it from the weight of trying to seek the approval of other people. I’m not there yet, but I feel it as a simmering change.
I’ve really been struggling, food-wise. I’m currently down to meat, bread, oil and spices. I started to get better recently, and was so excited to start adding back new foods (I have to wait a while until I haven’t reacted), and then something happened last night that has made me have hives on my jaw and I’m knowing myself pretty well, I think, as I see the connection, and also am trying to figure out what to do next.
One of my favorite parts of looking through pictures of seeing my kids- my babies- as they’ve always been themselves, yet are also blooming into themselves, like flowers.
I’ve been cherishing quiet time the past few days, and have been doing a lot of reflecting and writing, organization.
Is it possible to go through life without ever hurting another person? Will we be bound to disappoint, to fail to reflect perfectly, “yes you are good” to everyone who looks to us, asking that question?
I don’t know what to say about current events. I know that the US I have once believed in stands for justice for all, stands for opportunity, stands for tolerance, equality. Mr. T’s fiasco is like a circus, like a cancer that is wreaking havoc and taking up space inside something different than I’ve believed in. I think it’s good to remember that values persist because people continue to hold them, despite circumstances, so though it doesn’t make anything better at some level, the American people do have a lot of power in their minds, to continue to choose values in how they live and vote that are good. Deportation flights have seemed unusually cruel. It’s revolting. I don’t even know what to say, at some level, other than Trump does not represent me, and I look forward to the day he’s removed for his draconian and fascist methodology, if not mental incompetence. Also if no other women could sleep with Musk I think that would be good for humanity. One of the things on my to-do list is to figure out how to take some actionable steps, like calling a representative daily. It’s so overwhelming. I know small things matter, too, though.
