Catharine Since I was raised in conservative, somewhat legalistic religion, I was trained to have some particular thought patterns- to “take every thought captive” (2 Cor 10:5). To not lust. To *make my thoughts* be … something.
Metacognition is thinking about thinking. It’s like one of those mirrors reflecting back another mirror. For anyone with a desire to do good, a desire to be thorough, and the threat of hell creating quite reasonable anxiety, this created an objectively mentally-unhealthy situation. To be policing oneself, policing ones thoughts, and at times, feelings, too, creates a never-ending loop of judgment. I’ve heard lots of sermons in which “rejoice in the Lord always” (Phil 4:4) is presented as an instruction, to simply choose to rejoice, and.. *always*!!! 🤩
Anyway.. I want to respect that 1) I’m referencing Bible verses and 2) lots of people I love continue to have deeply held convictions about these things and 3) .. both of those things.
A few years ago, I had a therapist who really helped me a lot. She helped me more than any other therapist has ever helped me. Her name is Robin. Robin never told me anything negative about religion; she simply affirmed me, and affirmed what I felt. She never said “religion is hurting you.” She never said “you shouldn’t.. X” She never said I should not do anything, or that I should do anything. She gave me a list of logical fallacies, and simply reading through them helped me see so many of them that I had very heavily bought into: black and white thinking (dividing the world into false dichotomies), assigning morality to topics that do not warrant it… so many things. That in every situation there was a “right way” and a “wrong way” took me a long time to unpack as a logical fallacy. It contradicted with my Calvinistic views about God controlling everything, and pop-Christianity views about “God having a plan.” I’d received conflicting messages over the years about whether Christians could do anything outside of God’s plan, or not. Either you had to be afraid of ruining what you were “meant for,” or you were powerless in the face of God choosing the particular brands of suffering your life would have.
Anyway. What I found was that I needed to change my posture from one of judgment, to one of acceptance, when it came to myself. It went against my religion, quite frankly. It simply did. Robin didn’t tell me to do that. I found that if I saw “shoulds” as a logical fallacy- they were on the list- something inside me dropped. It was like.. if there is no “should”… then what is left? What one wants. And that was a part of me that I had been avoiding listening to for years and years.
Do I think that there are never shoulds, that there is no morality? I’m not saying that. But I think my posture was entirely unhelpful. I also have seen that in 100% of situations in which there is judgment, there is another perspective that warrants attention. There is always another perspective warranting empathy and curiosity. Everything people do is because of their values. People will sometimes even hurt other people, because of their values. People go to war over values. People buy T-shirts made in sweatshops because of values. People vote for politicians who will do very bad things, because of values. We value our self preservation, caring for our families. All values, at some point, conflict.
Anyway.
What I’m saying is that the judgmental posture I had carefully honed toward myself I saw was actively tearing me apart. I also saw that it made me an ass in regards to other people. Because if I judge myself in some way, and someone else does the thing I’m hating myself over, then I will subconsciously hate them too, because they are reminding me of my self-hatred. It’s a nice little never ending cycle of hatred, once someone starts hating themselves.
Which is why I think it’s an awful thing to have as part of any religion or belief system, to hate oneself. I’m not labeling Christianity with that, to be clear. But my version of it was absolutely that. And.. well. It’s what I see, in it, practiced.
My goal as a human being is to love other people, and if my goal is to do that, then I need to cultivate a loving mind, and the way to do that, is to stop all the metacognition. To allow the judgmental thoughts, note them, and remind myself that, aside from perhaps some obviously clear moral situations (I could write them here but that would derail the feeling I’m holding onto), in the vast majority of situations, there is no “should.” In the vast majority of situations, there is no “right and wrong.” Instead of everything being neatly divided into discreet categories, pre-chosen, with me simply to choose to obey, there is an open canvas over which I can choose what life aligns with my heart.
That is the power of stopping metacognitive criticism- it allows one to become in tune with what one wants and actually believes, rather than what they “should” believe and want.
It’s scary for me, writing this. It goes against a lot. I also think that relative morality- the idea that there are never any shoulds- is a dangerous idea, and not what I’m suggesting. The unburdened soul is capable of greater empathy than the burdened one. So, the person who sets aside their self-judgement, though they may initially encounter fear- fear over the lack of clarity, and fear at the power in front of them, may cultivate self-love, and after that has been cultivated, they will find themselves more present in their relationships, more in tune with how they feel, and how others feel, and will be more naturally inclined to do things we find ethical- things that are considerate, and things that are taking into account how others feel. Because ultimately, ethics is about love. Morality should be about love. Religion should be, too.
Look at me using all these should words.
LOL
Obviously this is a process.
I guess what I’m saying is this: love is the goal, and the unfettered soul is most capable of love. So unfettering of the soul would be the goal. A step 1, with the end of step 2. I do think it is impossible for a soul to be simultaneously unfettered, and the recipient of judgment. It’s like a muscle set in the body, where one muscle pulls one direction, and the other supports the reverse direction. They cannot both happen.
But a person who is able to unfetter their soul will begin to see the souls around them in an unfettered way, and that is the path towards empathy. Altruism is a natural outgrowth of empathy.
And a person who is fettered? Cannot even see themselves, much less the people around them. In fact, the only way people are capable, I think, of some of the greatest harms people do, is by the fettering of their soul. It happens to all of us, to survive, to cope. But it’s something we can be aware of and also choose to undo.
In the greatest of pains, there is a path toward numbing, and a path toward feeling, and the path towards feeling hurts the most, and is the only way to stay intact. It’s not a one-time choice, it’s a daily and ongoing one, to feel, to remain integrated, or to re-integrate, to have compassion for oneself, to love oneself, to see oneself, to then be able to see other people. Grief is a skill, and it’s one that negation of self, and judgment of self, interrupts.
I’ve personally had to… just not interact with Christianity, almost at all, in order to attempt this. Just being honest about it. I can’t read the Bible without beginning to criticize myself, my neighbor, the air I breathe. I have faith in Jesus, and can’t help but wonder if he was trying to show us a way that most of the Bible misses. Wasn’t he trying to free us from the trap of trying to be good enough? Wasn’t he trying to free us from this trap? The one Paul in his books so heartily feeds into? Wasn’t he saying- as he discussed every standard- ie lust- and said the standard is even higher- wasn’t he saying “this is a losing battle, you are losing it”?
What if we stopped fighting that battle altogether? What if we stopped trying to be good, trying to make ourselves pure? What if we stopped?
