I tend to be an all-or-nothing type of person. I grew up with very black and white thinking about morality issues, and have worked hard to see things more in varying shades of grey. But the extreme tendencies are still there, including when it comes to keeping house.
I write to you in a messy situation. The couch is currently in pieces; I think the pillows are being used by the kids kind of like lily-pads to jump between to avoid a floor made of lava? They are also smeared with chocolate, because I gave my 2 year old chocolate, which seemed like a good idea at the time. Remnants of yesterday’s dinner are still on the dining room table. The kitchen is…. “interesting.”
Just last week, somebody on my Facebook page told me my home was the most clutter-free home they’d ever seen- just based on photos. If you were to look at my personal Instagram page, you would see photos of a clean house. The Internet deceives! The truth is, it almost never looks like that. I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old, both delightful boys who see food as a type of art supply, and furniture as ladders and building blocks.
I have often struggled with a feeling of failure when I know I “need” to clean my house, but I don’t want to, because I’m tired. I’ll end up spending time online instead of cleaning. Then, if we have people coming over, I’ll clean like a whirlwind, and it will be temporarily SUPER clean. Or, we won’t have company coming over, but I’ll just get really serious about it, maybe because I got inspired by something I read online, and I often throw my back out in the process.
I asked my therapist for advice with time management, specifically as it related to cleaning. I was hoping she’d give me some sage advice, maybe a kick-starter, flame-thrower I could light under myself and it would magically make my house clean, and I’d be singing like Snow White as I did it.
Instead, she said this: “So what? Who are you cleaning your house for?” (me)
“So, don’t worry about what anyone else thinks!” (me: thinking of the family members I am wanting to impress and afraid of the judgment of)
“What they think doesn’t matter. You don’t have to worry about impressing them. If you don’t want to clean your house, then don’t. Maybe if you’re feeling tired, it’s because you need to rest. If you look around, and your kids are ok- basic needs are cared for, and it’s clean enough for you, then it’s clean enough!”
😁
This… was very counter-intuitive to me. So I tried it.
The next day, I opened up social media, as usual. I thought about cleaning. I felt exhausted (I’m still nursing my 2 year old through the night). I looked at my kids. They were fine. They were fed. There weren’t any safety hazards around me. It was clean enough for me! And I kept up my social media. I rested. Not long after, I thought, hmm, I’m feeling good! Maybe I’ll clean a little. And I did! And it was the most productive I’d been in a long time.
The key was not to have that be the end goal- the end goal wasn’t me cleaning. The end goal was me feeling in charge of myself. Not ruled by a list of “shoulds.” Not trying to do something for someone else, or because I’m “supposed” to. Or (God-forbid) the spiritual legalism of “you are a housewife and it’s your job to do all the housework and if you rest, you’re lazy.”
So, that has been very important to me.
The other thing I’ve realized, is that I have two young kids, and it’s normal for there to be messes! Especially when you have young kids.
There is no judge, there is no house-checking committee.
No one is coming with a checklist. Be free!
So the house is messy again, but that’s ok. It’s a cycle, it a rhythm, it’s a season, and there is no judge. I’ve been feeling today like I might want to clean- like, actually want to, not because I should, but because I desire to. So I got some stuff done. And maybe I will tomorrow, too.
Or not.
