I’ve been feeling a lot of pain, lately. Some of it’s physical, most of it’s emotional.
Sometimes my humor runs thick, and sometimes I just glare at it, like, “No, you wanted to make a joke? Right now? How dare you.” Deflection and denial, my even self-gaslighting occasionally, to cope. I have grief ahead of me. I’m deciding to trust that when it’s time for me to grieve it will happen, if I just keep listening to what my body needs.
I glanced at the news the other day and am sad to say I wasn’t surprised at all to see what Mr. T is doing. I think it’s almost funny, though also sad, though also just the tiniest bit funny, that he released a reservoir in California and said the water is back, because when he visited here like… however many years ago it was, deep in the drought, he was like “there is no drought, they just need to turn the water on.” As if we had a faucet at the ready that had a bunch of staunch environmentalists guarding it with eco-friendly sticks. Anyway apparently he nearly caused a flood, releasing that reservoir. That’s not the greatest thing. Also apparently there are fish that needed it so, sad day for those fish.
I can’t even begin to touch so many of the other things. I remind myself that his presidency will only go so long.
It’s been really rainy, and I love it. It’s just wonderful. I adore the rain. It makes me feel like it’s ok to feel everything. One of the best feelings. I’d never thought about it before, but I suppose that the freedom to feel is nearly itself, a feeling.
I have a dream that someday there will be freedom for all people to openly feel, and that people will have true autonomy. There will always be some check and balancing of that autonomy in order for there to be organization, but I think there is a huge capacity that we have, to create space for each other and support each other, from childhood up. I want to see kids being looked at with curious openness, not judgement, and to be treated as people, not as someone in the way, someone becoming, someone who is a reflection of the adult. I hope that someday the news will be boring, and that through awareness and community building, the world’s inequities can be closed through loving actions and trust.
I was watching a Youtube video recently about a “gameshow” type of thing where people were being pitted against each other, and it just made me think… we’re getting bored, we’re upping the ante, we’re on the progression toward whatever led to the Roman Colleseum. Hopefully we won’t do that again. It would really be wise for us to collectively step back, and re-sensitize ourselves, to our humanity. A whole lot of entertainment makes us stop feeling the violence we see, because it’s the only way to get through it and enjoy a plot that includes those themes. I don’t know. I guess it’s something I’m thinking about- how to re-sensitize ourselves, on a community level, and as individuals. Babies are quite sensitive. Numbing is a survival mechanism. We don’t get to choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we cope?
And here I am, somewhat ironically, having gone from a flavor of numb to beginning to feel. At least for me personally, I think that that’s what grief is. People write down all the stages and whatnot but for me it’s to feel, simply. Like. That’s the challenge.
And when it hurts too much, we can step back out of the feeling until we’re ready to feel again.
I have huge feelings.
I dream of a world where everyone is emotionally regulated such that everyone is safe to not only feel (already a challenge) but also to share those feelings with other people. An emotionally safe world, where people are taught from childhood how to identify and give words to their feelings, and words to their requests, and resppected, because they’ll learn from the experiences of other people respecting their boundaries that no, it is not too much to ask for, and yes, it’s ok.
Someday I’ll learn how to care for myself internally- like, all that inner child stuff. It hurts too much today.
One of my largest griefs is seeing family systems and religions directly playing into and creating the traumas that then take so many years to unpack. It’s almost anticipatory grief.
k.
If you made it this far, good job, you deserve a bon bon. If you have a bon bon go get a bon bon.
