Don’t Disappear to “Keep the Peace”

A couple years ago, on Donald Trump’s first official day as elected President of the United States, I participated in the Womens’ March in our town. It was comparatively small (maybe 300 people), and it wasn’t an “official” march, but it was affiliated.

It was very exciting to me to be able to actually do something to voice my dissent over Donald Trump’s election, and to stand up for basic human values of respect and tolerance. I went with a really good friend, and with my mom. I had to show that I would not be complicit in the elevation of racism, nationalism, homophobia, or bigotry. I would have no part in the normalization and acceptance of sexual assault. I hoped that people who knew me would get the message that Christians would not be complicit, either.

I remember making that shirt (I copied the text from someone else’s I’d found on Instagram. Do you like the cat ears on my headband?). I thought it was funny, but also called attention to Trump bragging about sexually assaulting women, grabbing their genitals.

As someone who has been sexually assaulted, the message hit home for me.

We have gone to a very conservative Christian church for the past seven years, and I just assumed that if I told people about it, they would understand where I was coming from, and that we could have differences of opinion and still worship together.

I shared the photo on Facebook, and mentioned in passing to a friend at church that I’d gone to the march over the weekend.

Good people, good friends, people I’d known for years and had always gotten along with, suddenly questioned me altogether. Some of them had the impression that I’d gone to an abortion-fest. Like, that the entire purpose of the march was to support abortion, maybe to convince people to have abortions? But that being pro-abortion was the overriding theme.

I was naive about others’ willingness to tolerate a difference of opinion in me. They didn’t see it as difference of opinion- they saw it as being actively against Christ. It wasn’t something that, in their worldview, it was ok to disagree about.

I know I’m pretty lucky in that getting a few emails, text messages, and several in-person conversations was the worst blow-back I got. I know it can get much, much worse than that. And I actually do believe that love was behind it all. I still consider many of those people my friends.

I sat down with our preacher and an elder, both loving, good-hearted people, who tried to help me sort out how to respond to the people who had attacked me. (One of the people apologized to me later for her tone). Their message to me was to try to be wiser, and to try to understand where others are coming from better.

How did I respond?

I nodded, smiled, thanked them, and we probably prayed.

I then proceeded to shut up.

I left almost all social media for about three years, because I didn’t feel I could be authentic on it in way that wouldn’t damage relationships. We went to church…. gradually less and less. I kept hearing people make comments that seemed to align with Trump’s dogma, or that seemed racist, or sexist, or a million other objectionable things. I really wanted to engage with them. I really, really wanted to try to have an actual conversation about it.

But after that meeting I was part of, I felt conflicted spiritually about it. I didn’t really know what God wanted from me. I didn’t know what a “good Christian woman” was supposed to do. I would pray about it, and have the idea come into my heart that the peace was worth keeping. So the peace has been kept. And we’ve hardly gone to church the past three years, which I KNOW cannot have been what God wanted.

We are still worshipping with the same church, largely because of the meaningful relationships we do have. We know it hurts people when they love you, and you love them, and you leave their church. I also know that unity sometimes requires being fought for. I have not completely given up on that fight. Yet something about the current equation has to change.

I know that there are others who have horrific stories. People who have been disowned or murdered for their beliefs. There is literally no comparison.

The reason why I AM mentioning it, is because I retreated into silence. I retreated into silence for the sake of keeping the peace. And tacit silence appears to be agreement. Unless you say “I disagree with what is being said,” people will assume you agree with it.

So my message to you, if you’ve ever felt anything like I have, is to not let anyone or anything convince you to be silent. Love should guide everything. But completely disappearing is certainly not the answer.