If you haven’t read it yet, please read my Disclaimer.
These are all painful for me to write about, but it’s been important for me to see where I’ve gotten certain ideas, as I’ve tried to change my own thinking. I grew up thinking that the best way to serve God was to focus on my attention on serving others, reflecting God to people (somehow… not reflecting “myself” to people…having gone through a metamorphasis of sorts a la letters from Paul that talk about “putting on Christ” etc etc).
Boundaries, as I understand them, are limits that protect oneself from bad things, and let in good things. What I remember, distinctly, especially as a teen, was learning that in order to please God… somehow… I was supposed to do the opposite of this: let in bad things, and keep out good things.
I’m not blaming God for that, or the Bible, necessarily, directly. I just definitely had religious influences that led me in that direction that directly are traced to specific Bible verses that I applied in that way.
Here are some that come to mind.
The first is long. I’m including all of it, because of how important the entire thing was to me and my mental formation (really, the entire Sermon on the Mount is something I immersed myself in, to try to become like Jesus).
You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matthew 5:38-48 NIV
What I gleaned from this was, that if someone asked something of me, I needed to do it, and go above and beyond. Not only that, I gleaned that if someone harmed me, I needed to invite them to continue doing it. That is how I interpreted the part about turning the other cheek. I believed that Jesus was calling me to, quite literally, invite additional harm from someone who had harmed me, by providing them additional opportunity to do so. I thought that this was the way to take the most humble posture in that moment in time. If I am quite honest, that is still the message I glean from those verses.
It is something that, if put into practice, has the ability to destroy a person, if others will destroy them, and the thing is- people will.
It was very hard for me to learn to say no, if someone was harming me. It’s still hard for me to say no, if someone is harming me.
This next section of Philippians I interpreted to lead me in the same way.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2:5-11 NIV
Sometimes I get to know people online and they act stunned, surprised, or horrified by my willingness to forgive, or to show empathy to abusive people. I internalized the idea that in order to follow Jesus, I needed to completely lower and humble myself- to “make myself nothing,” like Jesus did.
I still see this verse the same way I always have.
Additionally, I saw Jesus’ teaching (in the previous verse) about loving one’s enemies- enemies. As in, people who want to harm you.
What is love?
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:13 NIV
So. If part of boundariese was to tell people to stop bad things, and to leave the situation if they don’t, or change the relationship so that they can’t hurt me anymore, this seemed to directly contradict who I was being called to be by Jesus himself.
I don’t know how to state it more simply than that.
I still read those verses that same way.
I loved the idealism of the idea of the church being a place where everyone would live this way- everyone taking the most humble posture. Everyone trying to “out-do” the others in love.
Here is more encouragement to live in this way that is non-confrontational.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:17-21 NIV
And what about boundaries within a marriage relationship? These previous verses are about relationships with non-Christians, and with Christians. What about husbands and wives? What should a wife do if her husband is mistreating her? (speaking hypothetically)
What did I see in the Bible?
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Ephesians 5:22-24 NIV
I saw that wives were supposed to submit to their husbands “as to the Lord.”
I know many will say “but the next verses are about husbands loving their wives!” and, yes, they are. But that doesn’t negate this part, about submission.
What this communicated to me, very clearly, was that I needed to have a posture within my marriage that was not confronational, not standing up for myself, not putting myself first, but the opposite, in each of these instances.
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
1 Peter 3:1-2 NIV
This verse also, seemed to say that, if my husband were to not treat me in a loving way, I should try to influence him through my own holy actions.
It… it says “they may be won over without words…”
I interpreted this to mean: do not directly confront your husband. DO NOT EVEN VERBALLY CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND. Silently, and passively, do nothing to address your husband other than focus on holy living yourself.
It is, as I’ve seen it, encouragement to do nothing– nothing different than what one would already presumably be doing.
Do nothing that is a change.
Do nothing!!! Do. Nothing. Different.
So. Fewer boundaries seemed to be allowed within marriage than outside of it!
I have not personally struggled with this next application, but I know it’s been a source of pain for many, so I’m also going to include this section of 1 Corinthians. I’m including a fair amount so that the context is given.
Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
1 Corinthians 7:1-7 NIV
I see people fighting back and forth all day on Twitter over whether it is ok to say “no” to one’s spouse. I interpreted this section above that- quite honestly? That it was saying one should not say no to one’s spouse.
So that if a husband wanted to force himself on his wife, she would need to let him do that, or visa versa. I’m not saying the Bible says to do that, but I know that many do make that argument.
So!
What is my point here? My point is that I was in therapy, for having poor boundaries, letting people hurt me, having a hard time saying no, and the problem was not that I wasn’t capable of doing any of those things, but that my religion, as I understood it, guided me to not do those things.
Quite literally, at times, to do the opposite of saying “no.” To”turn the other cheek”, and allow someone to hurt me more than they already had.
I’ve undergone a whole lot of trauma in my life. I don’t think this would be a good forum for me to list it. But let’s just say: I have needed to say no, many many times in my life, and I have not, because I was GROOMED BY THE BIBLE TO BE THE PERFECT ABUSE VICTIM.
I was groomed by the Bible to be the perfect abuse victim.
Because Jesus was abused. And murdered. Look where living like this got him! Dead!!
Just being honest here. I’m being honest about this influence on my life, and on my heart. I think it’s led me to be nonviolent in ways that I still think are good and in alignment with my values. It’s led me to want to forgive everyone, no matter what they’ve done to hurt me. That feels right, in a sense, because everyone does make mistakes.
But the part that I do feel has actually harmed me is the part that invites further harm, and does not stop it from continuing. That part.
Some may argue that the Bible doesn’t teach that. I simply don’t see how it doesn’t.
So. If boundaries are to let in the good, and keep out the bad- this is why I have struggled to learn how to keep out the bad. Because I’ve believed, quite directly, that I was not supposed to.
And (as an aside)- this teaching? Paired with power heirarchies of partriarchy, and parents having authority over children, and elders etc having authority over a church? is simply a setup for abuse to
1) occur
2) flourish
3) go unchecked.
It simply is.
What about letting in the good? What about that part of boundaries?
I’ve discussed this a little bit, in terms of Paul talking about “the flesh,” but, essentially, any time Paul talked about the body, and about pleasure that was not pleasure derived from Jesus, somehow, there was judgment associated with it, in my experience. Judgment that it was sinful, that it was worldly, and that it was bad.
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.
1 John 2:15-17 NIV
This, and other verses about “the flesh,” led me to ongoing self-judgment of anything good I might experience outside of a worship experience.
I’ve seen this extended in truly horrific ways. The Oneida commune (there’s an article I once read that I can’t find- if I find it I’ll link it- but you can Google them) thought it was sinful for children and their parents to bond. They intentionally would break emotional bonding between children and their mothers, specifically. If kids and their mother got too close they were punished by having to not see each other for weeks.
I have family members that gave up hobbies of music and dancing because they became spiritually convicted that these were sinful.
I’m certain that inviting others to share stories that are similar would result in a mountainslide of horrific grief people have experienced as they have attempted to slice off anything from their lives, bodies, and hearts that they thought might fit into the definition of “worldly” or “flesh.” It is destructive. It is non-compassionate. It is inhuman, and inhumane, as a posture to have towards oneself.
Anyway.
It was hard for me, in ways, to allow in good, through my boundaries- to let in pleasure or fun- because right along with it would come guilt.
Because of these verses, and what I understood them to mean.
In fact, I felt a moral compulsion to find some way to connect them to God, if I publicly delighted in them.
I couldn’t accept compliments, without somehow acknowledging God (in a way that honestly comes across as awkward and even proud, to people not in that culture).
I couldn’t enjoy life without worrying about whether I was enjoying it too much.
I have a friend who took me with him to church a few times, in college. His church doesn’t celebrate any holiday or birthday- only Jesus-centric things. They believe it’s sinful to celebrate anything that isn’t directly about Jesus.
I’m sure that scholars have some word for this- is it ascetisism? I think it’s ascetisism.
In any case, Paul’s letters, especially, I felt led by to a place of trying to slice off my very humanity, in order to please God. I wrestled with it for a long time, thinking “I’m misinterpreting the Bible.” In this particular instance, I think that that was how Paul was living- in constant self-denial. I think he was trying to discpline himself through ascetisism because the adrenaline rush that suffering provided made him feel more spiritual (in my estimation).
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.
1 Corinthians 9:24-27 NIV
😭
I’m not sure what else to say here, other than it’s been very difficult for me to learn how to keep out the bad, and how to let in the good, because of how I’ve interpreted and applied these and other similar Bible verses to my life. I’ve seen lots of other ways people interpret them- my opinion is that they are trying to make the Bible say something it doesn’t say. In this particular instance, I think that following Jesus AND PAUL can lead to people being harmed.
I don’t know how else to say it, or put it. I think that it can, on these topics. I could be wrong.
It’s why I don’t want my kids to go to church (my husband takes them every other week- a compromise we’ve worked out), because I’m afraid of them being harmed by these same teachings, as I was, because I know that they are sitting right there, in the Bible.
Can a scholar weigh in on the sources of some of these verses? Maybe. Are there other ways to see them? That would be so nice. But.
This has been my experience. I hope that it’s helpful for reflection. I’ve had to choose my survival, over what I feel these verses call me to. If you feel trapped, I want you to know that you can get out of that trap. I have to believe that God is bigger than the Bible. I have to. Because if he loves us, and wants to gather us under his wings as a mother hen would? It does not match these ideas.
I’ve had to simply focus on what I know- that I must take care of myself- my own body, and mental health, and care for my kids, and I cannot participate in what is self-destructive, and still do those things. I can’t.
Old-me would have judged today-me, but today-me is trying to survive, and you deserve to survive, and to thrive, because all creatures are designed to thrive- to bloom, in their season. We’re made to bloom. Why else would we be born with petals?
It’s a toxic trap. I had to run, at some level, to try to get out of it, at the very least, in my mind. I can’t read the Bible today because of it. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life, while still going through extreme stresses, because, at the very least, my soul is safe within me, and it was not ever before. Don’t feel guilty about stepping back, if it’s what you need to be safe. I feel like I’m rambling. I’m so scared to post this.
❤️
