Hi.
There have been so many things on my mind lately. One of them is that we’re living right now. Along with that idea, is the fact that all friendships are friendships, whether they are with people you met in person or online.
Another idea that I’ve been thinking about is the fact that most of us, if we have the opportunity to look back on our lives at some point (not a given), will simply want more time with other people. At least, that’s what I imagine wanting. I used to have faith that when I died I’d be with all the other Christians who’d died before me, and maybe that will happen, but maybe it won’t. It’s painful for me to consider life without this hope. Sorry if that is depressing or what not. I’m trying to open my mind to consider the things I do not know, and can’t have certainty about.
It makes me feel a greater sense of urgency, to live right now, and to love right now. That’s the thing.
I remember seeing the musical “Hamilton,” and remember thinking when it ended that it was the “best musical I’d ever seen.” I’m a musical- gal. I know a lot of musicals. This was quite the thought, for me to find myself thinking. I may have even said it aloud.
I am inspired by the character of Hamilton himself- the burning drive he has to write, especially. “Why do you write like you’re running out of time?” the lyrics ask. I identify with that desire, to do whatever it is we are going to do, now, since now is all we actually have.
I used to feel scared by this type of reflection because I had guilt in the back of my mind- what “should” I be doing. This was a horrific mental trap.
Tangent- I hope I’ll be with my loved ones for eternity. I hope that. I want that to be true. I’m just saying that I’m trying to consider that I don’t actually know what happens after we die. Like. I can have faith, or whatever, but.. you know? I want to leave room for the possibility I might be wrong, as I consider how I live today.
Also semi-tangentially, I’ve seen a toxic pattern within a lot of Christianity, where people suffer a great deal right now, and often are judgmental of everyone- themselves, their families, their neighbors.. everyone, and are self-flagellating at some level, and they tell themselves that they are “storing up for themselves treasure in Heaven.” That it will all be worth it.
I’m not saying there is no value to someone living based on the convictions and faith they have. I’m not saying that at all.
But. This is a great tragedy, for someone to live their life in a negative mindset, without acceptance for themselves, and without acceptance for other people, and then die, expecting there to be something else that will have made all of those things worth it. Does Jesus call us to live in self-flaggelation, judging every single person, most of all ourselves? Is that a path of “life”?
These are just some of the things I’m thinking about. It’s scary for me to even wonder some of these things. It takes me away from my comfort zone, where everything is certain, and secure. Painful, miserable, certain, and secure.
As for me, I want to simply focus my days on connecting with others, and creating, because creating is part of what brings people together. It’s what leaves the mind and body, at some level, and crosses over into another’s mind and body. It’s the difference between us, and rocks. I think it’s a fundamental part of being human, and I think it’s necessary and important when it comes to impacting people alive today, and impacting institutions and patterns that will play out for our children and grandchildren and the Earth they will inherit.
Anyway. Those are my musings today.
I want to be clear that I’m not bothered by faith. I’m bothered by people doing self and other-destructive behaviors in the name of faith. I’m not judging them. I’m grieving the situation.
I hope I’ll see my Grandma when I die. I’ll probably choose to keep believing that I will. I’ll hold onto that hope. I hope that, if you have that hope, you won’t feel discouraged by what I wrote.
I just don’t want to base my life decisions on expecting that. Does that make sense? I’d like to be able to finish my life, feeling like I’d loved with my life. I used to say I wanted to finish my life feeling like I’d done “what aligned with my values,” and I mean, ok, yes, that would be nice. But sometimes “what aligns with” ones values is really, what one feels they “should” do, or what they are “supposed” to do… and it gets all messy again. It gets all messy. So… I want to be honest with myself about what my values are, and aren’t, and live in alignment with the values I actually have.
Is this deconstruction? What is this? I don’t know..
I hope that you have a good day, but also, if you don’t have a good day, I hope you’ll know that there are many other people in the world who are also not having good days, and we have a shared human experience in this.
Sending you love.
