There have been years when I felt like Mrs. Claus herself. Tree decked out, stockings hung, twinkle lights everywhere, garland across the piano. I normally throw a Cookies and Carols party- with handmade, mailed invitations, dozens of cookies, and caroling around our piano. Honestly, it was always a lot of work, but I felt proud of it, you know? I took a lot of joy in it. Because we all need to have the inner child in us paid attention to sometimes, and Christmas is the perfect time for that. It is typically a season of great delight to me, and an excuse to be perhaps more effusive than usual.
This year has been a complete shift. We still have our artificial Christmas tree in the garage, because despite contacting the company that made it, I cannot seem to get a consistent answer about whether it contains latex or not (I have an allergy that has only recently become significant). Our Christmas lights, similarly, all have cords that might contain latex, and I don’t have that info yet about whether they’re safe to bring out. The garland for our hearth, the wreath for our door, and the garland for our piano, all likely contain latex, as fake greenery often does, so were waiting to know what’s safe.
Our fireplace has a gas insert, which we usually adore gathering around, but it has not been turned on in 2 years. It needs repair, and due to having a high risk person in our family, as well as a 2 year old who cannot be vaccinated, we have chosen to wait on having someone come in the house (and in our area, people are not as forthcoming about vaccination status).
Wrapping paper and curling ribbon also often contain latex, either in the ink, or as a layer to add pliability. Some of the toys that I felt confident did not contain latex, that I bought for our kids, I received an email from the manufacturer today regarding saying they “may” contain latex, so I’m having to send more emails.
I honestly feel like a grown woman having a huge pity party.
And… yes, this is as cheesy as it sounds… I’ve realized that I’ve honestly lost sight of the “true” meaning of Christmas at times in all the hype.
Christmas has been a celebration, and a time of joy, and yes, a time of remembering Jesus’ birth. And there’s nothing wrong with all the decorations, presents, and hype. But sometimes I’ve been so focused on getting everything right, the cards with family photos mailed out, etc., that I haven’t been able to slow down and actually enjoy everything like I’ve wanted to, and certainly have not been able to spend time worshipping and remembering the way that I want to.
So having so many of the “trappings” stripped away is making me think.
Last night, we did manage to find some of our ceramic decorations (they are latex-free, yay!), and put them on our mantel. We lit some candles. Our 5 year old was so delighted, going on and on about how beautiful it was, the little shapes of stars and circles shone through the Christmas tree luminaries. It reminded me that love matters more than decorations, and the party around Christmas is distinct from the worship of Christ and remembrance of his birth.
Many years at Christmas, reflecting on Christ’s birth, I’ve identified most with the joy of Jesus having come to us. Rejoicing in the knowledge that God loves us as he does. And in years past, I’ve often had to try hard to conjure up a feeling of longing, to try to imagine what it would be like to long for a savior.
This Christmas, I’m feeling that longing of the world for a savior. I’m feeling that desolation, and need for someone to save us.
I’m feeling distraught over the state of affairs of the world right now, especially regarding the pandemic.
I’m reminded that the earth is “groaning” as it awaits redemption, and so are we, as believers, uncomfortably waiting for the day when Christ will return and take us with him to be home forever.
I also know I have so so much to be grateful for. Life is not a grief competition, and yet I know that my difficulties with my allergy is nothing compared with the suffering that many others are facing right now. The pandemic has taken over 5 million people from the world, so far. I’ve never seen a time of more suffering in my life.
I know that I’m not alone in feeling differently about Christmas this year, even for many families who still have all the “normal” trappings of the season.
The pain of having lost a loved one at Christmas is something I can not yet fathom, yet I know it’s something that many, many families are feeling. Essential workers may not even be able to take time to rest at home.
And so, wherever you fall on the spectrum of joy, suffering, and their co-mingling this year, I pray that you will feel God’s embrace and know in your bones that Christ, Immanuel, is indeed “with us.”
“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us).
Matthew 1:23 ESV
Merry Christmas.
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